2003-11-09 - 1:32 p.m.
Wow. The world is a strange and mysterious thing.
In the past couple months, I’ve been so miserable. When I go to grade papers at the bookstore I have a lot of time to think. I remember thinking that if my life were a movie, pretty soon there would be a rallying point. You know how those movies work, the sweet incompetent teacher tries really hard and keeps screwing up. But then . . . ta-da!!! . . . there’s an upbeat musical accompaniment to a montage of successful scenes. Hands raising… newfound respect in the students’ eyes . . . an approving nod from a passing administrator glancing through the window. It happens in tons of movies. Like rocky climbing all those stairs and dancing around to “eye of the tiger.” I remember thinking as grading, this cold and hollow realization, there will be no rally. I will just continue to screw up and flail around until I get fired. Just keep on doing the wrong things as my co-teachers “help.” Their idea of help is basically like seeing a drowning person and offering to adjust the water temperature. Thanks guys.
About a week and half ago, I got an e-mail that was sent to my grade level about new classroom changes. One teacher has this responsibility and that responsibility, another has these new things to do, and Teachergirl, yes we all know you have the fewest students and no other position of responsibility, you get an aide. One teacher has almost ten more students than I have, but she did not receive an aide. I did. Because I suck. My first thought was, oh no, I’m getting fired. This “aide” is going to replace me and this is just a transition period. I totally freaked. I talked to the mentor my union set me up with last weekend and she was not much more chipper. She told me that the bottom line was that I had to be perfect. give no one anything that they could possibly come back and throw in my face. She said to disregard what my team member may do because I’m the one who being zeroed in on. On the up side, she did tell me that I was doing everything I could possibly do and that I was doing the right things. She also said:
“you can’t trust anyone at work because people like to position themselves in good favor with the administration in hopes of getting favors in return.”
“Favors?”
“getting better supplies or students without trouble in their past.”
It’s like I’m a spy. I can almost hear mission: impossible music in the background. I should get of those harnesses so I can hang from the ceiling and zoom about the room.
I told her that I had two observations from the AP and they had actually gone well. My AP said “good job.” Good job! That’s the first time I’ve heard “good job” this year! She got very excited and told I need to e-mail her immediately to create a paper trail. Also to be polite, but pretty much the paper trail. Like, haha! You said I was doing a good job so you can’t fire me! In yo’ face! I chose better words in the e-mail, but you get the idea. The AP is such a nice lady though; she thanked me for sending the e-mail.
My aide has been in my room for three days now. Instead of the plant from administration I feared (and was told) she might be, she was actually pretty nice. she’s very tall, so my kids were kind of intimidated. That’s good because now they’re less likely to try wacky stuff with her. My principal wanted to meet with me about her, so I went down there with my little schedule I printed out in hand. He asked what I planned to do with the aide and I countered with a slew of plans AND a computer printout of a schedule. I think he was impressed. There was a look like “the principal is pleased by this.” He actually said some nice things! He said “I can see your growing and I appreciate the time you put in. I usually have meeting in the area after school and sometimes I do drive by the school very late I always see your little car in the parking lot.” so there you go. give 11 hour days instead of the 8 your paid for and people take notice. . . after three or four months.
there may be a rally after all. do i hear “eye of the tiger” playing somewhere?
of course my weekend was very strange. and there's the story about our class field trip. let's just say i never thought there would be mention of the word "placenta" on a field trip. it seems i was mistaken. i’ll have make an entry about that later.
